This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life…
At 48 years old, I discovered I was pregnant. I conceived naturally and surprisingly. This is not an Early April Fools joke.. we were indeed shocked at the results of the home pregnancy test that I took on Feb 27th.
Like many first trimester moms to be, we chose to keep info mostly ourselves but I did tell a few family and friends as we began this journey. Although the odds were against me considering my age, I immediately started doing all the things necessary to prepare my body like taking prenatal vitamins. I remained positive and was doing all things to protect my peace while preparing my body,mind,spirit for what was growing inside me. I got ahead of myself and started posing with my imaginative bump when really it’s just bloating /fat that early in the game. I did have the glow already though!
Monday, we had our 8 week ultrasound and although we got to see the little image on the screen, there was no heartbeat. I had started spotting over the weekend and had some concerns. The week before I said to my husband, I don’t feel pregnant anymore, so I was thinking that maybe there was going to be nothing to see. But there it was. Tears flowed as the realization came to fruition that I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, 3 days. Per the size of what the technician saw, she advised the heart probably stopped around that time.
Ironically, I had downloaded an app called Hi Mommy and saved a screenshot that day as it talked about if hot tubs were good during pregnancy. Because of upcoming trips we had planned, I was making a note that we’ll guess i can’t get in the hot tub. Being though I was pregnant over 10 years ago with our daughter, I had forgot all the rules and was taking note of everything!
I am currently going thru miscarriage now. Although there is the option of medicine or a surgical procedure, I opted to try to continue with it naturally. Google said it would feel like a heavy period. Not for me. The pain is like labor and contractions. It all hurts ..physically and emotionally. I went thru feeling guilty like did I take the right amount of prenatal vitamins, did I do enough?! The answer is yes I did everything right. I no longer am blaming myself or anything. I have accepted what has happened and know that I can grow past this because I CHOOSE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THINGS I CAN’T CONTROL.
My husband has been beyond supportive in all of this. He always says “ ..wanna hear God laugh, make plans ”. Because this was an unplanned pregnancy, Barry was anxious about it all and concerned about my health. My daughter, while I thought she would be elated with the idea of having a sibling was ok with not being a big sister. She shared her thoughts after I told her on Monday that I went to the doctors to confirm pregnancy and I’m not anymore. She said she is fine with being an only child because babies cry too much and things would have been chaotic. She said she enjoys her peace. They both have been taking care of me, allowing me to rest and loving me in their beautiful ways.
Having a miscarriage is often not discussed and it is a hard thing to go thru. If you ever want to know how to support someone during this time, let me just share some of the sweet ways that were shown to me by the strong women friends in my life:
1. Essencie saw all of this in the cards. Her interpretation of the messages meant for me were vital. On the day of my ultrasound she pulled the 5 of cups ,then the 5pm cups in reverse for advise. All the things you said resonated with me and your last message about discernment is my focus
2. Khara prayed with me and for me and reminded me to lean on her as she can offer not only comfort but information. Thru her, I gained a new friend Taylor who was the first to ask do I need anything
3. Ro, whom I never met in person, is a god send friend. I never met a more generous soul who knows how to not only be a listening ear but show support in so many ways. She spoils me to the point where I know if something comes to house addressed to Lovely Leslie, it’s her surprising me. The flowers and balloons put a smile on my face. It reminds me to stop and smell the roses and the beauty of your heart.
4. My sister Toya checked in on me one day out the blue. We decided to take the convo from text to talking and actually was able to confide in one another about having a miscarriage. It is not something women openly discuss. Having someone to talk to is priceless and it is important to check in on the people you care about. You never know what someone is going thru.
5. Dee, thank you for answering all my questions and just being a text away. I was getting anxious about not being able to get a n Ob GyN appt. Having a friend that is a midwife is a blessing. When I started spotting she told me that does not always mean miscarriage that it can be normal for some in first trimester. She has offered to Uber me some food and even called in to her OB Dr friend to let her know to expect me for my upcoming follow up visit in April
6. My ride or die Michelle always comes thru in the clutch. She had no clue about this as I was purposely hiding from talking to her because she was celebrating her birthday in February etc and I wanted to wait until I had definitive info. The moment I shared with her about my miscarriage, she was like what can I send you: food ,snacks, blankets , movies, a night at a hotel. I mean her list had my mind swirling but I said hmm I wish I was laying under your weighted blanket you have at your house. Hour later, instacart delivers a weighted blanket from CVS. It feels like a big ole hug and it’s comfy and cozy. And your husband Jeff, is the best by default as he has chosen you as a wife making us family/friends for life! We love y’all!
7. My cousin Kelli.. I love it when she asks me how do I feel. It forces me to get out of my comfort zone of not talking about my feelings and because I know she loves and cares about me genuinely, she provides a safe space for me to be vulnerable. Plus she and her husband Dev create feel good music and just released The Truth Vol 1. “Victory” and “ I’m Good” are on constant rotation and are providing me with valuable reminders to dance, leave the past behind, move on with your life and remember the blessings from “the one who gives me power”!
8. My Cuzzo Tanya and I have a life path that seems to align itself in mysterious ways. She once called me her guardian angel/fairy god Cuzzo but she has been there for me in times of need. I didn’t know who I could ask about this but was thankful that she shared her experiences with me. She stopped working at an event to call me and offer comforting words. I imagine our lil berries are somewhere together in a field of sunflowers.
9. Melani, you are an amazing woman and an awesome friend who no matter the distance or time passes, we pick up where we left off. The love never dies. Your knowledge on healing and herbs are going to be essential in these next phases for me. Thank you for sending yarrow and the biggest bag of raspberry leaves, I have ever seen from Amazon.
Girrrrrlllaahh, I’m gonna be sipping tea, taking womb baths, using as a hair rinse, bath bomb, face spritz.. you name it.. all thanks to you. Plus I can always count on a good Bmore kee kee when we talk and a lol moment of some sort when we talk. Thanks for sending me this meme:
10. Speaking of raspberry.. the fetus got to approximately raspberry size and my Mom started calling it Lil Raz ( sounds like a member of B2K right..smh. Lol) . One day in our texts, which I don’t save because it be too much back n forth, I mention to her how it just smells like death around me. To resolve that she has some aromatherapy coming my way via Etsy. No matter how old you get, you find in the hard times, you still want your Mom. She was one of the first people I told because in the case of an emergency,she would have needed to be here with Ava while B and I were at the hospital. After finding out about the loss , I compared it to feeling like you won a trip and then the trip gets cancelled. She was sad about the loss as well because it reminded her of losing a child to stillbirth about 50 years ago. Nonetheless, my Mom reminds me to celebrate life. Her 68th birthday is Saturday and while originally we were going to MD to celebrate, we will meet halfway in Richmond for lunch. I think we all could use a hug in real life! Here she is kicking off her birthday week looking great at almost 68!
I am grateful to the people who have offered kind words, support, prayers, virtual hugs, wisdom, a listening ear ( my Sis in Law Cynthia is the best) , and want to thank ALL of you who reminded me that I am STRONG. I am LOVED. I am ENOUGH
We will get through this. I will get through this. I know too many strong women like my cousin Tiffany and BFF Teri to know that I can and I will!
See you hopefully on the sunny side of things soon ( Kristen, thanks for being so understanding and I know you will be there when I am ready for our self care dates.. Laing, I know you got me with doing some grounding work after this ) and I can’t wait to get some local hugs from Anna & Loretta ….. until then, I am relaxing and releasing with love. Always! ❤️